Christmas Movies Akatsuki Style!
by MidnightWritings
Summary: The Akatsuki's take on some of our favorite Christmas movies.
1. Chapter 1

Christmas Movies; Akatsuki Style! (A Naruto Crack Story) CH 1

**Merry Christmas everyone! I have no idea where the idea for this came from but I ran it by my beta and she thought it'd be good. This is my present to everyone on so enjoy…I can't really return it.**

Things were quiet around the Akatsuki hideout… a little too quiet.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" That's better.

"TOBI GET BACK HERE YEAH!" Deidara yells as his partner runs down the hall with clay birds following him.

"NO!"

"TOBI, UN!"

"NOU~!"

Thud.

Tobi runs straight into Kisame while he's running from his sempai.

"Kisame-san!" He says, his eyes overflowing with chibi tears. "Save Tobi!" The fish man looks slightly surprised.

"What'd you do this time Tobi?" The masked ninja sweatdrops a little.

"Tobi touched Deidara-sempai's art!"

"TOBI, YEAH!!"

"Gack!" Deidara catches up and starts strangling him.

"Don't touch my art, un!" He says shaking him for emphasis.

"T-Tobi understands!" He manages. "Tobi is a good boy,"

"Meeting in the living room," Itachi says monotonously as he passes the trio.

~Minutes later~

The entire Akatsuki is seated in the plush sofas that Kakuzu almost had a heart attack buying when he saw the price. He got them for half off and came home with another heart. Everyone else agreed never to talk about the incident ever again but it was on everyone's mind whenever they sit on the couches.

Anywho… Pein had an important announcement.

"As of twenty minutes ago, the Akatsuki is broke."

Cue collective gasp.

"It turns out that the bank of Under-Kakuzu's-Mattress wasn't as reliable as we thought it would be and somehow the money disappeared. We're either going to have to start selling the stuff around the hideout-"

"I VOTE WE SELL TOBI, YEAH!" Deidara says gleefully. Pein continues on like he hadn't said anything, but there's a noticeable anger vein on his forehead.

"Or we could get jobs. Suggestions are welcome," Tobi starts waving his hand around like a little kid in school.

"Tobi knows! Tobi knows!" The leader of the Akatsuki looks around but finding no other suggestions, is forced to pick Tobi.

"Go ahead," He says with a drawn-out sigh.

"Tobi thinks we could remake Christmas movies!" He says clapping his hands together, obviously pleased with himself. The vein grows bigger and he's about to say what a stupid idea that is but Kakuzu cuts him off.

"That's a good idea," He says pulling a clipboard out of no where.

"Huh?" Everyone but the stoic Uchiha says looking at the banker like he grew a second head.

"Movies make a lot of money. They're easy and cheap to make and they make a lot of money," He says dryly. "Plus, it being the Christmas season will work on our side as well,"

"Alright," Pein says pinching the bridge of his heavily pierced nose. "Does anyone have a suggestion for a Christmas movie we could redo?"

Surprisingly, several hands shot up.

"Frosty the Snowman,"

"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,"

"How the Grinch Stole Christmas,"

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,"

"CHRISTMAS IS AGAINST MY F***ING RELIGION!" Hidan yells looking very upset.

"Hidan-san," Tobi scolds. "That's not a movie!" Facepalms all around.

"Alright, Kisame the Snowman…Tobi the Red Nosed Reindeer…How Itachi Stole Christmas…Konan Got Run Over by a Reindeer…" Kakuzu murmurs writing said names.

"Do we get any say in this?" Konan asks, slightly irked by the process of being run over.

"No," Pein says as he feels another headache coming on. "We need the money," She glares and he knows that he's going to regret asking for suggestions later.

"Meet back here in an hour for the filming of…Tobi the Red Nosed Reindeer,"

"YAY!" Tobi yells and goes to get his red nose. The rest of them sigh and go reluctantly to get in costume.

This is what they came up with after much heard work. The final result is like as follows:

The TV screen goes staticy before it clears up, focused on someone's toes.

"Is it on?" Zetsu asks. "**Of course it's on stupid!**" The camera turns around to show an annoyed Zetsu. "I hate cameras,** I hate you!**" The two sides glare and Pein sighs behind him.

"Just point the stupid camera at the actors. We need this money," He grumbles. The camera gets up set up right. It's pointed at a badly painted scene of what's supposed to be a snowy forest but just looks like some preschoolers had a field day with paint. The only things that are visible are the words "SANTA ISN'T REAL!" which have been crossed out and painted over many times. That and if you squint and you look up at the right corner, you can just barely make out two deer going at it. Hidan's personal touch.

"Tobi's ready!" He announces happily. Hidan says something under his breath as he starts talking, seeing as he's the announcer.

"Once upon a time there was a gay little f***er named Tobi. He was a reindeer and had a red nose," A happy Tobi bounces out into the camera's field of vision with a red nose on top of his mask with reindeer antlers. "He had a d**n shiny nose,"

Tobi's nose shines red a few times.

"But all the other gay f***ers were real $$holes and didn't let him play the reindeer games." Deidara comes up and whaps Tobi on the top of the head with a rolled up newspaper.

"We don't like you, yeah. You can't play with us,"

"Nou~" Tobi sobs exaggeratedly. Zetsu groans behind the camera.

"_**Lame**_,"

"Then it was f***ing foggier than pea soup in Maine and the fat $$ Santa came in, useless as always,"

Pein steps in to the shot wearing a Santa suit and pillows shoved into to make him look fat. Itachi wheels out the clothesline that is holding the forest scene to show a fireplace and a window with a snowman mooning everyone. Hidan strikes again.

"Tobi-it-is-too-foggy-for-us-to-see-the-way. You-must-guide-us-with-your-shiny-nose. It-is-the-only-way-for-us-to-get-the-presents-to-the-children-of-the-world. There-will-be-no-Christmas-with-out-you. Tobi-with-your-nose-so-bright-won't-you-guide-my-sleigh-tonight?" He says robotically.

"YES!" He says striking a dramatic pose. "TOBI TO THE RESCUE!"

"Yay," He says with absolutely no emotion as he walks off the 'stage'.

"Then Tobi the red nosed reindeer saved f***ing saved Christmas so all the little heathen children of the world could celebrate the holiday that never really existed while Santa went and had a three-"

"That's _enough_ Hidan. We want to sell this movie," Kakuzu hisses giving him a dark glare.

"FINE!" He throws Tobi at the 'stage' and storms off to go make sacrifices to Jashin to make up for participating in the 'heathen holiday'.

**O_O" Wow…that turned out interestingly. Next up *drum roll* Kisame the Snowman! Come laugh along with us as Kisame scares off all the little children and gets beat up by an old lady! YAAAY! Stay tuned. **


	2. Chapter 2

Christmas Special Updater

Christmas Movies; Akatsuki Style! (A Naruto Crack Story) CH 2

**  
Wow…I got a lot of reviews! *sob* I'm so happy everyone is laughing along with the Akatsuki.**

**Cheeky half-demon: Yay! I'm glad you like it! Thanks for being my first reviewer~!**

**mogmoogle: Thanks for the review! ^w^ I'm glad you like it**

**ninja(I forget the rest of your user name, I'm sooooo sorry~): Ha-ha! Thanks! I love writing it, so I'm glad you're enjoying reading it! Thanks for the review!**

**Thanks to AkatsukisNumber1fangirl for the alert, cheeky half-demon for the alert, and mogmoogle for the alerts and the favorite! **

**Now, for your enjoyment…KISAME THE SNOWMAN! :D**

A creepy grin crosses Hoshigaki Kisame's face. He is SO looking forward to the filming of the movie. He's decked out in a snowman suit that was pure white and so blinding it made the snow falling in the Rain Village look pale. A top hat is on his already tell head and 'coal' buttons are on the front of the snowman suit. A fake carrot is tied around his head to finish off the geeky look.

"Let's go Kisame," Pein says diffidently with a sigh.

"I'm coming," He says opening the door and ducking so he doesn't knock his hat off. "This is kinda fun," His leader's eyebrow twitches a little as they start to walk toward where the children have gathered.

"…Fun?"

"Yeah," He says with a pointy grin. "I get to run around and scare small children. What could be more fun than that?"

"Having enough money to support ourselves and being able to actually get some work done that's relevant to our real goal,"

"…"

"That's kind of harsh, Leader-sama,"

"…"

"…"

"If you weren't so d**n good at killing people you'd be fired,"

"I'm honored by your compliment, sir," He says dryly rolling his eyes. The leader grunts and crosses his arms as they get to the courtyard. A group of small children are waiting there with an elderly old woman herding them around and keeping them in a relatively small group.

"Have I mentioned I hate kids?" Pein asks sarcastically when the kids stop, look at him, and scream.

"Scary old man!"

"Yeah, he's really scary!" His eye twitches a little.

"I'm not old. I'm not even thirty yet," He says in a low voice.

"Sorry grandpa," They chorus making his eye twitch again.

"Are they this disrespectful to everyone or am I special because I can kill them easily?" He asks the woman. She snorts.

"Don't be so egoistic. They're like this to everyone they meet. Kira, Daisuke, Hina, Haruka, Chou, and Junko," She adds pointing out each of the kids. Three boys, three girls. All around the age of six. Kisame grins pointedly.

"Annoying little brats aren't they? Can I kill them once we're finished? Zetsu's getting hungry again," He says with another pointy grin. That doesn't faze them at all.

"You can't kill us!" Kira says narrowing his eyes.

"Yeah! Dad'd be really, really mad!" Chou adds punching the air happily. "He'd kill YOU!" She adds gleefully.

"Pleasant little brats," Pein says glaring a little. "Let's get this over with. I've got a lot of work to do,"

"Whose the unfortunate b*****d?" The shark man asks as the kids run around like chicken with their heads chopped off again.

"A very rich daimyo in the neighboring countryside. He's paying us handsomely to watch his children," He says with a sigh.

"I thought we were mercenaries, not babysitters," He says shifting the Samehada uncomfortably.

"That's what I've been thinking for the last hour," Pein says with an evil glint in his eye.

"Let's get this over with," Kisame says pulling the nose back over his nose. Tobi comes out and gasps excitedly.

"New friends for Tobi! Tobi likes new friends! Tobi is a good boy!" He says clapping and jumping.

"Shut up, Tobi, yeah," Deidara says molding the clay in his hand. The kids gape at him.

"You're really pretty!" Hina says, eyes round. "How do you get your hair like that?" He glares.

"I'm not pretty, I'm hot. Or handsome. Not pretty,"

"Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty!" The kids chant happily. His eyebrow twitches and he cracks his knuckles.

"Alright, alright, leave the pretty man alone now," The old lady says with a sigh. "Your father wouldn't be happy with your behavior right now,"

"What Dad doesn't know won't hurt them!" Junko says grinning the same grin his father does. Her eye twitches as well.

_Why am I stuck with these kids all day?_ She thinks resisting the urge to kill them. _If they were anyone else's kids I would have hired someone to kill them already._ She sighs and puts a hand over her eyes.

"Okay kiddies!" Kakuzu says clapping his hands together. "Time for the movie,"

"YAY!" They all yell, glomping him like they would a favorite uncle. He blinks and gingerly pulls them off with his threads.

"Please refrain from touching me,"

"Kay!" They say wiggling free and going to get on their 'winter' clothes. Pein rolls his eyes and makes it start snowing. Zetsu comes out with the camera and they start filming.

"Let's go make a snowman!" Chou says and the other kids agree happily. They 'make' Kisame and put the nose on him again.

"Found a hat!" Junko runs up and skids to a stop, knocking over Hina and Daisuke in the process.

"HEY!" They both yell and start arguing as he puts the hat on Kisame's head, having to jump a few times in order to reach.

"You coulda stopped faster!" Hina says and Haruka slaps Junko on the back of the head.

"Hey what was that for?!"

"That was for being stupid!"

"Why you little-"

"You're littler than me! I'm older!"

"DIE!" A cloud of dust appears and soon all the kids are in it fighting anyone they can.

"Hey, hey cut it out-" Kisame starts as he 'comes alive'.

"AAAAH! A BIG SCARY BLUE SNOWMAN! RUN AWAY!" They yell and run.

"This isn't part of the movie!" He runs after them, quickly gaining.

"KYAAA! HELP US TSUCHI-OBAA-CHAN!" The old woman perks up hearing her name. She cracks her knuckles and tackles the swordsman.

"What do you think you're doing to them?!" She asks beating down on him ruthlessly with her purse.

"Hey! Stop it crazy b***h! This was supposed to be part of the script!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO TOUCH THOSE CHILDREN!"

"I'M NOT! THAT WOULD BE OROCHIMAR~! HE'S ALREADY GOTTEN ITACHI-SAN'S YOUNGER BROTHER!"

"DIE B*****D!" Zetsu starts laughing from behind the camera.

"**D**n this is priceless!**" His dark side laughs as his white side tries to hold back a snicker. "Poor Kisame-san," The woman stops her assault when her walkie-talkie rings.

"Hello?...Oh yes sir…Yes sir we're having a lot of fun. What? No, no, I just chased the children around the yard… Yes sir they're fine… Yes sir… Of course sir…Thank you as well. Bye," She hangs up and gets off Kisame. She riffles around in her purse, pulling out a small pouch of money. "Hikaru-sama thanks you for watching his children. The payment is inside," She tosses it to Kakuzu, who quickly counts the money and nods.

"It was our pleasure. We should do this again some time,"

"NO WAY!" Kisame yells picking himself up and nursing a black eye.

"Bye-bye!" The kids wave sweetly and start running toward the carriage coming to pick them up. Pein looks around and surveys the damage.

"Did they pay us well?" Kakuzu nods.

"Very,"

"Good. We're going to double the rates if we ever do this again,"

"Of course," The courtyard is in shambles and Kisame is well bruised.

"Suck it up, it's all battle scars, yeah," Deidara says raising one eyebrow.

"I hate you all,"


	3. Chapter 3

Christmas Movies; Akatsuki Style! (A Naruto Crack Story) CH 3

**Now it's time for Christmas Movies; Akatsuki Style…How Itachi Stole Christmas! Thanks to Adeisa for the alert, XxSmokexSignalsxX for the alert and xiceyxtee for the favorite!**

**cheeky half-demon: It had to be done, hon!**

**XxSmokexSignalsxX: Ha-ha thanks!**

Itachi's eye twitches a little. He sighs and covers his eyes with one pale hand.

_This is not what I signed up for when I agreed to join the Akatsuki._

What has caused all this misfortune for everyone's favorite Uchiha? Let's pan the camera back and take a good look at what's going on.

Cue camera pan.

Alright, Itachi is wearing a torn up red Santa suit. The hat on his head is crooked and he's glaring. Hidan is standing next to him in a dog costume. There's a branch tied to his head and he's giving murderous glares at everyone who dares to look at him. The living room is torn up and Tobi is in footy pajamas, standing in front of a tastefully decorated Christmas…Zetsu.

"_**Laugh and we'll kill you,**_" Both of his sides growl as his black side's eye twitches. Angel steps into the scene and pulls out a huge remote. She presses the rewind button until it goes back to that morning. She grins, flashes a peace sign, and steps back to her place at her laptop.

"Good news," Kakuzu says as he sits at the huge kitchen table. "We've made a lot of money from those two videos we made. Apparently, there's something we're doing called 'spoof' that people are going crazy for,"

"Does that mean we're stopping?" Kisame asks a black eye still visible.

"Nope," He says with a twisted grin behind his mask. "That means we're going to make a few more!"

Groans all around.

"Shut up, ya whiners. We're almost done. Two more videos and we're done,"

More groans. His eyebrow twitches and he looks down at the clipboard his report on the movie had been on.

"Our next movie is How Itachi Stole Christmas, lucky Itachi," He says sarcastically as he looks back down at the clipboard. Itachi almost spits out his tea.

"Excuse me?" He asks regaining his composure quickly, but a glare still apparent.

"You heard me," He says not looking up. Itachi's eyebrow twitches and a small sigh escapes his lips.

"Great," A few hours later the group is gathered in the living room, which has been made to look like a cave over looking a small town thanks to a genjutsu. Konan has taken the camera and Pein is playing narrator. It was going to be Hidan but he was 'casted' to play Max the dog.

"Action," Konan says turning the recording device on.

"Once upon a time, there was a grouchy man named Itachi who lived above the town of Whoville," Itachi crosses his arms and leers down at the village. "He was a very sour man, and Christmas was his least favorite time of the year,"

"I hate Christmas," He says grumpily.

"He looked down to Whoville to see all the singing and happiness and all the noise. He hated noise as well."

"I hate noise. I hate singing. I hate happiness," Pein's eyebrow twitches.

"One day he was brooding in his cave,"

Itachi starts pacing.

"when he got an idea. A wonderfully awful idea. A horribly wonderfully awful idea,"

"I have an idea," He says monotonously. Pein shoots him a glare and he raises one of his eyebrows. "I'm going to sneak down to Whoville on Christmas Eve and steal all of their presents,"

"And so he made himself a jolly Santa suit out of the curtains and a sleigh out of things he had around his cave." Itachi blinks once then steps out of the shot for a few seconds. He comes back with the suit on and pulling in a sleigh with a bag for the presents in the back. "He called his loyal dog Hidan and tied a branch to his head to make him look like a reindeer."

"Come here Hidan," He says glaring a little.

"No," The immortal says from the side.

"Hidan come here,"

"F**k no. I look stupid," Konan sighs and keeps the camera trained on Itachi as she goes over to Hidan. She gets behind him and punts him out onto the 'stage'.

"Good dog," Itachi says sarcastically. Hidan's dressed in a dog costume and has a branch tied to his head. He flips him off.

"F**k you c********r."

"That's going to have to be edited out," Kakuzu says and Pein nods.

"Agreed," He clears his throat and continues reading. "And so on Christmas Eve they went down to Whoville to steal all the presents," Itachi gets in the sleigh, hooks Hidan up, and takes the reigns.

"Mush,"

"F**k you," He says as the 'scenery' moves to make it look like they're moving.

"He went from house to house and stole all the presents from under the trees and all the food from the ice box. What an evil, grinchly thing to do!"

"Yay" Itachi says tonelessly as he puts the fake food into his bag and throws it back onto the sleigh, 'accidentally' knocking Hidan out in the process. "Whoops,"

"Everything went well until he got to Tobi Lou Who's house. He was clearing everything out from under the tree when a small voice came from behind him," Zetsu is decorated to serve as the tree, seeing as Kakuzu is too cheap to let them buy a real tree.

"Why Santa Clause, why are you stealing all our presents?" Tobi asks cutely shuffling into the shot in his footy pajamas. When the video came out, people would be squealing everywhere.

"Being the clever man he is, the grinchly Itachi smiled a sweet smile and said"

"I'm not stealing your presents, these ones just suck. I'm taking them so I can get you better ones,"

"Oh… okay," Tobi grins behind his mask and turns around to go back up to bed.

"YOU F**KING B*****D! YOU KO'D ME! I'LL KILL YOU!" Hidan roars storming into the shot and promptly tackling the Uchiha. A cloud of dust surrounds them as a fight breaks out. It sounds a lot like a cat fight, growls and snarls coming from inside the cloud.

"TOBI TO THE RESCUE!" He tries to jump in but is easily kicked out.

"STAY OUT OF THIS TOBI!" They both yell and go back to beating the crap out of each other.

"Another video ruined," Pein says pinching the bridge of his nose with a sigh. Kakuzu giggles in a manly way.

"Ruined? This is how we earn our money!" He chuckles


	4. Chapter 4

Christmas Movies; Akatsuki Style! (A Naruto Crack Story) CH 4

**Hey everybody! It's Angel again! Thanks so much for all your support; I couldn't keep this story going without it! REVIEWS, ALERTS, AND FAVORITES KEEP ME GOING~! Now please enjoy Konan Got Run Over by a Reindeer. (This is the LAST chapter of Christmas Movies; Akatsuki Style! By the way) **

**XxSmokexSignalsxX: XD I'm glad I made Zetsu believable! ^^ Don't worry I laughed too when I wrote Hidan and Itachi's parts.**

**cheeky half-demon: Yay! After all, Tobi is a good boy.**

**akatsuki_fangirl: Wow! I'm glad you like it! **

**Thanks to xiceyxtee for the favorite and XxSmokexSignalsxX for the alert!**

"Alright," Pein says at breakfast the day after How Itachi Stole Christmas had taken place. "I have good news and bad news," Nobody is really listening. They're all eating their meals and talking about how they could get out of whatever that day's chores were…except for Hidan.

"…So then Pablo starts makin' out with Jamie's evil twin sister Sarah Beth thinking it's Jamie but he's engaged to Francisca, who's in a coma because of an accident she was in while riding to the circus with Ben and Jacob. The two of them had been drinking before they got into the car so-" He's explaining the plot of his favorite soap opera to a bored looking Zetsu. His head is slumped over the plate. He can't eat because of his preferences in food. They don't have too many bodies because of how few fighting there is.

Pein's eye twitches a little as he looks around at their lack of enthusiasm for his wise words of wisdom.

"I have an announcement," He says a little louder. "Hello?" They keep talking, doing an effective job of ignoring him.

"SHUT THE F**K UP!" He yells getting annoyed after a few seconds. They freeze and slowly turn to him with wide eyes.

"I didn't know you could get that loud," Kisame says blinking owlishly. His leader almost starts sizzling from anger.

"I've got good news and bad news," He says with his eye twitching a little.

"Okay," Konan says looking up from her cereal. "Why is that so important?" He shoots her a quick glare before going back to talking.

"The good news is that we're not broke any more," Kakuzu starts sobbing happily.

"Good things DO happen to bad people! I'm not poor any more! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" He collapses on the floor, on his back, and starts laughing.

"The bad news is that we still have one more movie to do," Everyone groans.

"Isn't it the dumb a$$ed one Konan Got Run Over by a Reindeer?" Hidan asks as he starts bandaging his wounds from that morning's rituals.

"Yeah," He says and Konan groans even more loudly.

"Why is it Konan and not someone else?" She grumbles shooting a glare at anyone who dared to look at her. Pein brushes off her question like an annoying fly.

"First off…has anyone seen Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?" A long silence follows the question. He puts his hands over his face and lets out a drawn-out sigh. "Heard the song?" More silence, interrupted only by a nervous cough from Kakuzu. "Great,"

"Why don't we just do it our way, yeah?" Deidara asks with a small smile. "That seems to have been working well so far, un,"

"That would probably work well," He shrugs taking his hands away from his face with another sigh. "Hopefully we won't kill ourselves,"

~Later~

It isn't too long before the Akatsuki has re-gathered and taken seats on the sofas. Konan is dressed in a 'grandma like' fashion, quite grouchily I may add. Tobi's dressed up like Rudolph again complete with nose. He's bouncing excitedly on his heels and it's obvious he is probably grinning behind his mask. A sleigh is placed strategically behind the couches and another genjutsu is casted to make it look like an outside scene.

"_**Action**_," Both of Zetsu's sides say as the scene starts. Kisame picks up the sleigh as Konan walks out into the camera's field of vision.

"Brr," She rubs her arms and keeps walking. Tobi is connected to the sleigh and starts running toward Konan at top speed.

"RAWR!" He yells and glomps her before running again, pulling the sleigh behind him so it hits her a couple times.

"Holy s**t that hurt," She grumbles rubbing the side of her head which had been hit particularly hard. "That's gonna bruise,"

"You're supposed to be unconscious!" Kakuzu hisses from off the side. She flips him off before going limp.

"Oh no," Pein says without any emotion at all. "Konan got run over by a reindeer. Whatever will we do now. She was supposed to make Christmas dinner. Now there will be no Christmas. Oh sob, oh tear. Oh sadness,"

"Could you say that with any more emotion?" The self-proclaimed director says glaring.

"If you value your life you won't talk to me like that ever again," He says walking off the make shift set and dragging Konan off with him.

"Now what?" Zetsu asks furrowing his multicolored brow a little.

"WE PARTY!" Hidan yells jumping up on the table and pulling his shirt off so he 'can dance f**king better!'

_**The End**_

**Yeah… bad ending. I might redo it later…probably not. I hope you all enjoyed! ^^**


End file.
